For Ruth, he'll tolerate anything

I walked through the living room the other morning, as I am often wont to do, passing by Oswald's cage. A quick glance at the fuzz bunny out of the corner of my eye, my brain registered something was off. I stopped, quickly looked down at the rabbit, and still couldn't quite register what wasn't right.

Ohhhhh, he has a paper hat on! A PAPER HAT!?  Oswald was laying in his cage, all stretched out and relaxed as if nothing out of the ordinary was going on. "Hey Ruth!" I called out to Ruth who was sitting at the kitchen table having breakfast, "Why is the rabbit wearing a paper hat? Is that a paper hat?"

"Yes," She said. "I made it for him."

"Um, Paper hats on rabbits, not a good idea," I said, lips pressed tight, shaking my head. "Take it off."

"But he looks so cuuuuuute," Ruthie said.  "And look, I even made ear holes in it."

Oswald's Great Escape

Let me see here. If I sniff at the door enough...yes. And If I put my front paws on the door. No? No...darn, they're not getting the hint.  Maybe some circles? Circling the cage, pacing...think caged tiger. Caged tiger.  Nope, not working. HEY! Hey guys! Man, this sucks. Why can't we bunnies have a roar, or a growl, or even a loud whine of some kind.  But no, all we can do is thump. Thump! Yeah, that's it.  I'll thump.  Sigh. The humans are ignoring that too.  I know. I know exactly what will tick the very large human off. I'll toss my food dish. That's it, carefully, carefully, grab the dish with my pointy teeth...there we go. I got it! I got it! Now flick it behind me. And dance on it a bit. Push it around with my nose.  Oh! Oh! That got the little human's attention. I don't really like the little one. She's too loud, and she tries to use me as a pillow all the time. But maybe, just maybe she has her uses.

Wait, she saying something...what is she saying? Sounds like Oswald...oh oh oh! That's me! That's me! I'm Oswald! Hey guys! That's me! I'll twitch my nose faster and put the paws up on the door again so she knows I'm paying attention. Oh! OH! She's pointing at me! This could be good.  This could be very good. Oh yeah! I heard the word "out" as in "out of this cage."

YESSSSSSS! One of the medium sized humans is opening the cage door. I like this one. He wears the fuzzy pants all the time. I like chasing the fuzzy pants.  No! Don't pick me up! No! NO! NO!  Wiggle! Squirm! Dang, he flicked my nose.  I hate when he flicks my nose. Wait. He's carrying me. Where's he carrying me? Outside??? I LOVE OUTSIDE! Wiggle and squirm some more, maybe this time I can get away from his arms.  DOh! Another nose flick. Gah! I hate that!

You're lowering me too slow! Too Slow! I want to get down! LET ME DOWN! Whew. Grass. Yummy Yummy grass. I love grass. OH and clover! Lots of clover.  Hey look, my hidey hole is still there. Quick! Before the smaller human gets me!  Wait? Where's the fuzzy pants human going? Back inside? Ooh, today might be the day.  Today might be the day I get to discover the world outside this fence. Yeah baby!

Oh man, that other human is in my yarn now. She doesn't live in the house. She just comes to see the other female human. Here comes the bigger girl human. She's not so bad until her friend comes over. They giggle and shriek and make lots of loud noise.  I'm definitely hiding.

What's this? Those two humans are leaving? They're going out the gate? YESSS!  Today might be the day. Today I might break free from this yard.  Today I might see the world!  It's all a matter of hiding, and waiting, and looking like I'm happy laying here in the dirt hole I've been digging.


 And, look! It's only the smallest human left. She rarely pays attention to me out here. This might be it. This might be the day.  Where's she going? Inside? INSIDE? REALLY? Yes! Oh oh...DRAT! The bigger human is watching me at the door.  Crouch down, crouch down...flatten ears. I am a rock. Yes I am. I am invisible because I am a rock. Not a bunny.  You don't see a bunny. Look away from the rabbit. Look away from...yes...that's it. The big human is turning away from the door.  Dang it! She's back. The littlest human is back, sigh.  Not today.  WAIT! She's going back inside. It's now or never...RUN!!!!!!

YES! They forgot to shut the gate! YES! I'M FREE! I"M FREE! Oh no! MORE HUMANS! AND SMALLER THAN THE OTHER HUMAN! I didn't know they came in smaller sizes!!!! NOOOO!!! They're shrieking! And chasing me! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!! RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!!!! There's a bush, and a tree, and another bush.  Hide! HIDE!

Ackk! It's another human! He's huge!  RUN AWAY!  RUN AWAY!

Wait a minute. Wait just one minute. He's big, but he's slow. This is good. This is very very good. Muhahahahaha!

Can't catch me, you pathetic excuse for mankind.  Sure, go around that side of the tree, I'm going on this side. Haha. Can't reach me. Silly human.  I'm not coming out.  Sure, come on in. HA! I fooled ya.  Now you're full of pine needles. Oh, coming around again? Check this move out. I'll just lay here nice and still as if you can just reach down and get me. That's right, com'mon get a little closer...now the hands come down...as if.  You think I'm gonna let you grab me. HA! Through the legs...booyah! ha ha ha ha ha....oh. Uh oh. Another pair of shoes. I know those shoes. Gulp.  It's the other human.  It's her.  Dang.  What to do? What to do? I know.

Submissive pose. That's right, nice and flat. See? My ears are laid back? See? I'm a good bunny. I'm a goooooooood boy. I didn't mean to get out...it was those other humans. They left the gate unlocked. I couldn't help it. I'm just a dumb bunny. I don't know what's my yard and what isn't. See? I'm letting you pick me up. I'm so sorry. Just so sorry. See how good I'm being? What's this? No! No! Let me down! Let me down! You can't let those tiny humans near me! ACK! What's this? Punishment? This is torture? NOOOOOOO!!!

Does she want to pet the bunny? Who is my human kidding? This tiny human wants to maul the bunny. She just chased me all over kingdom come. She's worse than the small human living in my house. Don't let her maul me! Please! Don't!  Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Gack! Ugh.  Well, ok. That wasn't too bad, I guess. Better when you're there to keep her from mushing my ears into my skull.

 Now where are you taking me? Inside? Inside? I have to go in? I get tortured by the tiny humans and now I have to go in? Drat!  No, no...don't lower me into the cage. Nope. Maybe if I put my back feet out...dang. She knows all my tricks. Sigh. There goes the cage door.  I'm just gonna flop here for now...review my plan...see where I made my mistakes...and revise.

Until next time.

Jeremy and Oswald have a "chat"

My husband is a big ol' softie when it comes to animals. He wanted to be a veterinarian, until he assisted the local vet with the spaying of a cat. When he nearly passed out, he figured he'd explore a different career avenue and discovered a passion for languages. He studied four languages in high school, won some award they never gave anyone else before in the history of our Alma Mater, and enlisted in the army as a translator, Russian.  Years later, that gift for languages turned into a gift for programming computers and an ability to be able to move from one language to another with little difficulty. So I shouldn't have been too surprised that his natural curiosity, combined with his interest in languages and communication led to his laying on the floor with Oswald attempting a bunny conversation.

"I've always wondered why Rabbits wiggle their nose," I said off-offhandedly while watching Oswald run through his 'obstacle course.'  Oswald has a preferred path through the living room that he takes over and over: behind the step ladder, under the entertainment center door that is never closed, hop up on the couch, get gently pushed off said couch, leap side ways as if something spooked him, run up two steps, hop back down two steps, repeat until tired.  I didn't notice Jeremy typing on the computer. He's always typing on the computer. It just didn't register in my mind.
"It says here that wiggling is a form of communication," he started to read from a page on the net, "

"Most rabbits at rest will be wiggling their noses. Rabbits don't need to do this to smell things, and they don't necessarily do it in time with their breathing, and they sometimes stop completely. So why do they do it at all? A rabbit's nose is like a thermometer for how interested it is in what's being observed. The faster the wiggling, the more attentive or agitated the rabbit is. Nose wiggle signaling is generally only used by rabbits that are already moderately relaxed.

A fast wiggle doesn't necessarily mean a rabbit is upset. It may just signal interest in something being witnessed, or some passing thought. A slowly wiggling nose indicates a calm rabbit. Rabbits usually use nose wiggling to indicate fine gradations in their mood. If you start moving around or doing something odd, that nose will start moving faster, and the rabbit may also turn its ears to focus more upon you. If a rabbit is considering fleeing, though, it will usually stop wiggling its nose completely.

One way to help calm a rabbit is to do the equivalent of whispering "there, there, it's all right" using slow nose wiggling. Of course, humans can't really wiggle their noses properly (OK, maybe you can), but rabbits will understand if you just use your upper lip. If you roll your upper lip under your top teeth and back again, this looks much like a rabbit nose wiggle. It's especially effective if you happen to have a mustache. On the other hand, some folks can actually wiggle their noses enough for the rabbit to recognize it. Experiment to see what your rabbit responds to."

Knowing Jeremy as I do, my first thought was, oh no. He's going to have to try this. So it was no surprise that within minutes, my husband was on the floor, facing Oswald making strange facial contortions in attempt to engage the rabbit's attention.  Oswald hopped off. Jeremy changed locations with the rabbit, laid on his belly again, attempted to face Oswald and tried again. Oswald stood up on his hind legs, sniffed the air, and then hopped away.  After several attempts Jeremy pushed up from the floor and said, "Well, I guess I'll just have to practice that and try again some other time. Apparently my nose wiggling skills aren't up to par." He wandered off to the kitchen for a snack. Oswald, completely unimpressed, decided to hop back into his cage and give himself a bath.

So much for rabbit/human communications.  For now.

Apparently Rabbits don't like Math...even though they Multiply...

     After spending his first year of life cooped up in a cage in a barn, Oswald thinks he's living the high-life.  I let the rabbit run around the yard once in awhile, since we have a small fenced in space. Under close supervision, he also enjoys a few hours exploring the house too. He's mastered hopping up two steps, sniffed every square inch of the living room and kitchen, and figured out how to jump on and off and on and off and on and off the couch, again and again, and uh, again. (Apparently this is great bunny entertainment). So far, we've had very little problems with allowing the rabbit some freedom. Our electrical cords are still in tact. He hasn't chewed anything to bits. And, normally, he contains his waste to his cage or the litter box. However, yesterday, Ozzy was a naughty bunny.

Ruthie was sitting under the tiny tree in our backyard doing her math homework.  The last thing she expected was a big fuzz ball to come and flop down on her math book. He sprawled over both pages, and sniffed at Ruthie. Giggling, she said, "Oswald, NO! I'm trying to see my math problems!"  Just as quick, her laughter turned into a cry of distress. Turning from weeding my flower bed, I asked, "What happened?"

"Oswald peed on my math book. He PEED on it. Oswald! Why did you pee on my math book?"

Oswald, looking mighty pleased with himself, and unwilling to move his lump of fluff off of her book, declined giving a reason.  Maybe he knew Ruthie hates math. Maybe he was trying to do her a favor. Most likely though, it was because math books are made of paper and Oswald has a serious paper fetish. Peeing on the math book was the most logical way to claim it as his.

After Ruth shooed the rabbit away, he kept trying to hop back and nibble on the pages. The more she pushed him away, the more he insisted on having the text book for his own. As if in a fevered state, he started digging at the pages, hopping sideways, running in circles around the book, and then repeating the whole procedure in between Ruth shoving him away so she could clean off the pages. "Oswald, No! OSWALD! ARGH!" She moaned.

I began fussing at her for keeping the book on the ground. "Put it up on the patio table where he can't get to it." I said through clenched teeth. I was covered in mud, and virtually useless in the Oswald v. Ruth v. Math Book kung fu competition, though I did make a few decent blocks with my foot. I didn't think mud would be a welcome addition to the rabbit pee. I didn't want to have to groom it out of the bunny's long fur, so I couldn't pick him up at that moment. And I wasn't sure if I dared to make a break to the kitchen to wash up. Ozzy would surely take advantage of my momentary absence. "Go get a paper towel." I commanded. Ruth ran inside, grabbed the roll and began sopping up the urine.

"He also peed all over my homework paper."

"You'll have to re-copy it onto a new piece of paper."

"Oh Oswald. You caused me soooo much trouble." She spoke to the rabbit, who, no longer having a book to eat, decided to run a few more laps around the yard.

Ruth informed me that the principal will be sending me a bill. And, since I'm pretty sure Oswald won't be willing or able to cough up the $80, unsurprisingly, I will be purchasing a new math text book for the elementary school.