Bond?

Maybe it was because I've eaten nothing but sugar and refined carbs for the last few days, or maybe it was the lack of a decent nights sleep. Whichever it was, I haven't laughed so hard in awhile.

I was sitting on the couch next to Jeremy while he was channel surfing. I had my new iPod-touch in my hands and was playing mahjong while listening to music. In general, not really paying attention to the man holding the remote at the other end of the sofa. Something on the t.v. caught my attention and I looked up.

"What are you watching?" I asked.
"Bond, James Bond," Jeremy answered in fairly good Sean Connery impression.
I was again totally absorbed in my new toy when I foolishly asked, "Awww, isn't there anything decent on?"
Sean replied, "You mean Bond isn't decent?!?"
Realizing my faux pas I quickly corrected, "Oh I didn't mean that."
So he started surfing some more and paused at the National Geographic Channel. Which, it just happened, was airing a documentary about some African tribe.
"Ahhh," Mr. Connery said. "Indigenous breasts. Now that's decent."

Two Bananas

They sat together at school.  I was informed of this fact by the petite six-year old girl on Monday, when I went to help Hannah's class make gingerbread houses.  They sat together, and their names rhymed. The first-grader made doubly sure I knew these important facts. I have been hearing about this friend of Hannah's for months. It was a delight to finally meet her. I finally realized why every new stuffed animal, every Mii, every character on Nick Jr.com has now been named in honor.

"See, we're both Bananas. I'm Anna Banana, and she's Hannah Banana," declared Anna.
Of course. What else would they be?

Yeah, I know...it's been awhile.

I'll share a quick story:

I walked upstairs to go to the bathroom and I smelled the tell-tale stink of nail polish.

"Are you playing with nail polish?" I asked, thinking this was a rhetorical question. I looked into the girls' room. They were waiting for Daddy to finish putting them to bed, supposedly, both in Ruthie's top bunk.

"No," Ruth said, succinctly. I went to the bathroom to do my business and think for a minute whether or not I believed her. The whole upstairs stunk. I wasn't home all evening. For all I knew the stench was left over from earlier. As I was debating, Hannah knocked on the door and sheepishly said, "Mama, Ruth and I were playing with nail polish." She knew what her fate might be for lying, and quickly calculated she might bail herself out with the truth.

So I lectured and disciplined Ruthie for lying, sneaking, and for using nail polish in one's bed. I let Hannah know she was also in trouble for playing with nail polish, but gave her praise for telling the truth. I let her know it "could have been worse." That finished, I sent them back upstairs to finish their bedtime routines.

A little bit later, Mr. Mel went up to put the girls to bed, and decided he was going be The Intimidator, giving yet another lecture on lying. "So, I hear you weren't honest with Mama about the nail polish. Lying is a very bad..."

PTHHHHFFFFFTTT! Hannah ripped a loud one. She giggled. Eyes wide as saucers staring at Daddy, she covered her mouth. Jeremy tried to hold back his laugh.

"People who lie..."


PBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hannah ripped another one, still trying to hold her giggles back with her hands. Jeremy took two deep breaths, turned his back on the girls to contain himself, and then started all over again.

"Ok, here's the deal. If we catch you ever lying again..."

Pbttttttht! (giggle)

"I will personally..."

Pfffffft Ptttttt (giggle)

"Uh..."

PBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBTTTTTTTTTT!

"BWAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAAAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Jeremy never did finish his lecture.

What ever shall I do with them?

I walked upstairs to go to the bathroom and I smelled the tell-tale stink of nail polish. 
"Are you playing with nail polish?" I asked, thinking this was a rhetorical question. I looked into the girls' room. They were waiting for Daddy to finish putting them to bed, supposedly, both in Ruth's top bunk. 
"No," Ruth said, succinctly. I went to the bathroom to do my business and think for a minute whether or not I believed her. The whole upstairs stunk. I wasn't home all evening. For all I knew the stench was left over from earlier.  As I was debating, Hannah knocked on the door and sheepishly said, "Mama, Ruthie and I were playing with nailpolish." She knew what her fate might be for lying, and quickly calculated she might bail herself out with the truth.
So I lectured and disciplined Ruth for lying, sneaking, and for using nailpolish in one's bed. I let Hannah know she was also in trouble for playing with nailpolish, but gave her praise for telling the truth. I let her know it "could have been worse."  That finished, I sent them back upstairs to finish their bedtime routines.
A little bit later, Jeremy went up to put the girls to bed, and decided he was going be The Intimidator, giving yet another lecture on lying. "So, I hear you weren't honest with Mama about the nail polish. Lying is a very bad..."
PTHHHHFFFFFTTT!  Hannah ripped a loud one. She giggled. Eyes wide as saucers staring at Daddy, she covered her mouth. Jeremy tried to hold back his laugh.
"People who lie..."
PBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hannah ripped another one, still trying to hold her giggles back with her hands.  Jeremy took two deep breaths, turned his back on the girls to contain himself, and then started all over again.
"Ok, here's the deal. If we catch you ever lying again..."
Pbttttttht!  (giggle)
"I will personally..."
 Pfffffft Ptttttt  (giggle)
"Uh..."
 PBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBTTTTTTTTTT!
"BWAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAAAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Jeremy never did finish his lecture.

Where in the world is...Canada???

Meaning no offense to the Canadians, I feel the need to say, Canada has been a pain in my side for the past few weeks.

For social studies, Joshua had to re-create the entire map of canada. He was given an 8 1/2" x 11" photocopy of Canada. He had to draw a grid on said photocopy. Then he had to draw the same grid, double sized on a rather large piece of paper. Joshua was expected to draw the outline of the Canadian landscape, which, my OCD son did, very meticulously. It was perfection. Canada should be so proud. Meanwhile, Jeremy and I were pulling out our collective head hairs, or at least having them turn grey because Joshua's perfection was costing him valuable time. The due date lingered in the near future, and it didn't look as if he was going to ever finish rendering the outline of the map.

Over Thanksgiving, we went away, and Joshua spent his vacation drawing,

and drawing

and drawing

and drawing.

Until one day, he finally finished the outline. We cheered. All of us. Even Ruthie and Hannah.



And we didn't see Canada for about a week. Suddenly, in the back of Jeremy's mind, this niggling thought made him wonder why we hadn't seen Canada for a week, when up to that point, we saw Canada every single day for at least two hours per day. Suspicious, Jeremy asked Joshua, "Um Josh, Where's your map? Don't you have to color in the provinces and label stuff?"

"Huh?" Joshua said with his typical deer in the headlights expression. "OHHHH the MAAAAAAP! Yeah, The map, um. Uh. Ummmm. I don't know." He started his standard crying and freak-fest. "OH NO!!!!!!! WHERE'S MY MAP! IT'S DUE ON WEDNESDAY!!! I KNOW I HAD IT IN MY BACKPACK. HAVE YOU SEEN IT? HAVE YOU SEEN IT? HAVE YOU SEEN IT?"

"Calm down. Settle down. Joshua knock it off," I threatened as he tossed the house without really looking for his map. "Maybe you took it to school."

"Yeah! Maybe I did!"

"Ok, Son. Here's the deal. You don't find the map at school on Monday. You're restarting the project. I don't care if you only have three days until it's due. Something is better than nothing," Jeremy said. Joshua knows he's in deep when Daddy calls him "Son." His eyes grew big as saucers, as he weakly nodded.

Monday afternoon, he came home from school and I immediately asked him if he found his map. "No," he replied, distressed.

"Then you'll restart your project."

"I'm just going to look for an hour more around home."

"NO. You. Will. Not. It took you forever to draw the map in the first place. You will not waste another hour looking for it. You will start the Canada Project over again."

He attempted to get into my face. He tried arguing. He nearly lost his life.

About thirty minutes later, I saw this strange paper sticking out of our humongous mound of mail, bills, and school work that sits on our kitchen counter. Pulling it out, I unfolded it revealed Canada in all its glory one more time. "I found your map!" I hollered out to Joshua.

"YOU DID?!??" YAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Joshua shouted as he bounded down the stairs like a herd of elephants. Happy as a clam, The Boy added his labels, colored in his provinces, and managed to finish putting Canada together barely in time.

Wednesday morning was a Band Morning, and on Band Mornings, I carpool two other sixth graders. They got into the car with their maps and Joshua took one look and cringed. My heart dropped to my stomach. "You mean we had to color in the water, label it "Canada" and draw a compass too?" Joshua asked his classmates.

I sighed. "Do you mean to tell me you didn't read the directions thoroughly?" I asked. He had the wisdom to look sheepish. "Well, you have fifteen minutes before morning announcements. Maybe you can at least label your map "Canada" and put your compass on. You'll only lose a point or two for failing to color in the massive amount of water."

I watched the kids walk through the school doors and sighed the maternal sigh of relief that signals the end of a major school project. I thought nothing more of Canada for the rest of the day. I even felt rather light and carefree. Until The Boy came home.

He rushed through the door in a panic, "Did you happen to see The Map in the car?"

"What. do. you. mean?" I asked through clenched teeth.

"My map. Of Canada? I have to finish it and take it back to school" He asked smartly. He nearly died a second time.

"Don't take the tone with me, Son. I saw you walk through those doors with your map. It's gotta be somewhere at school." Joshua must have had a real death wish. He had the gall to ask me to take him back up to school so he could look for it again. "You've got two feet," I said, my teeth clenching tighter. "Walk."

I was a little frustrated with his Social Studies teacher. I couldn't figure out why she'd make him bring it back home for three lousy little parts to the project. Just take the points off, I thought. As Joshua was up at his school frantically searching, I decided to try and see if his teacher had left for the day yet.

"Hi, This is Joshua's Mom. He's up at the school right now looking for his map."

"He's here now?" his teacher asked.

"Yes. I know he walked in the doors with it. I know he had band this morning. I was just hoping when you see him, maybe directing him towards the band room to look for the map. By the way, why does he have to bring it back home to finish it? I thought it was finished." I lied a bit through my teeth.

"I never even saw the map. He never turned it in," She replied.

"He never turned it in?" I wanted to beat my head against the wall. In the space of about four hours from the time he entered the building to the time he had Social Studies Joshua managed to lose Canada. I sighed. I told the teacher about the family propensity to wander around aimlessly with items in their hands until they just set it down. It's a terrible affliction that affects Jeremy, Joshua, and Ruthie. Hannah and I are the only ones that ever know where anything is, where anything belongs, and what we've done with our stuff after it's been in our hands. Canada could have been ANYWHERE in his elementary school. I sighed again. "So, if he doesn't find it. I guess you should just give him a zero. Because if he loses a letter grade for each day it's late, he'll have a zero anyway. You have no idea how long this map took him to make. He'll never have another one made by the end of this week, even."

"I can't give him a zero!" She said incredulous that I'd even suggest such an idea. "The Map is worth 100 points. He'll fail social studies! If he doesn't find the map, maybe I can give him some other assignment to do. Because he has to turn in something."

"That sounds more than fair to me. Well, when you see Josh, just see if he can get into the band..." I got cut off by The Boy walking in the back door, map in hand. "You. Brought. The. Map. Home. Why did you bring the map home?" I asked, too tired to care anymore. I forgot I was holding the phone and his teacher was on the other side. She started to laugh.

"He brought it back home?"

"Yes. I can send him back up."

"No. No. That's ok. I'm on my way out. Just have him turn it in tomorrow. I won't take any points off since he does have the map."

"Thank you so much. I am sooo sorry."

Joshua then proceeded to open up The Map and started to finish coloring the water. I beat my head a few times against a wall.

Canada, once again safe in his backpack, Joshua went to Chorus today. Here's hoping he doesn't lose it again.

Birthday Week, Day One

Some hate their birthdays. I love mine. I love it so much, I stretch it out as long as I can. It's my birthday week. No wait, it's my birthday month. It's a month of using my birthday as an excuse to do anything I want and not feel guilt. "It's my birthday, I'm gonna sit at home and read all day." "It's my birthday, I'm not cooking and we're going out to eat." Jeremy says we go out to eat a lot during my "birthday." Hmm.

December is not my birthday month, but it is Joshua's, and since I've set the example, we've started the celebrations early. Last night we took him out to eat, where ever he wanted. He wanted to go to Friendlies. The kids always want to go to Friendlies. It's not a bad place, just gets a little old after awhile.

After we ate, we walked to the front register to pay our bill. There was a huge "Crane" game in the front filled with medium sized stuffed crap. Ok, some of the animals were kinda, sorta cute, but mostly it was crap. Joshua begged, "Please, can I play the crane. Please, Please?"

Normally I say no. "Well, ok, it's you're birthday and it's only 50 cents. You only get one shot though."

"YESSSSSSS!!!!!" Josh shouted. He studiously planned his strategy, talking it through with Ruthie. That one is too buried. This one is sticking out, but nothing good to grab onto. That one might be easy, but I don't really like it. Finally they settled on the monkey with the santa hat, after Jeremy said, "Just put the coins in already, and play." It was snowing outside, and he was feeling twitchy about driving home. It had just started collecting on the roads and he wanted to avoid the idiots who continue to drive at normal speeds despite the fact that the roads are not quite plowed and salted.

Joshua inserted the coins. He carefully and meticulously directed the Claw towards Santa Monkey. He hit the button and the Claw grabbed onto the monkey and picked it up. Holding our collective breaths, we watched the monkey drag across the other stuffed crap. The Claw dropped the monkey into the bin, and the kids cheered.

"I was sure that it would drop it when I saw it dragging over the other toys," Jeremy said.

"Yeah, me too," I replied.

The excitement in the car was almost uncontainable. The kids chattered about what Joshua would name the monkey. Jeremy leaned over to me and said, "Spank."

Joshua said, "Yeah, Spank would be a good name for the monkey."

"Uh, no. You cannot name the monkey Spank." I glared at Jeremy who was silently laughing so hard he was shaking.

"Why?" asked Ruthie.

"Because. I. said. so." I glared even harder at Jeremy who was now wiping tears from his eyes.

"Yeah," he added trying to sound like he wasn't still laughing at his own wit. "Spank wouldn't be a good name for the monkey."

Subject matter dropped, the kids settled on the name "Zub." We returned home. The Boy opened his birthday present, Mario Kart for the Wii, and proceeded to talk about his good fortune over Zub the Monkey, declaring this to be "The Best Birthday Ever."

This morning, the kids were still feverishly chatting over The Crane.

"I still can't believe I won," Joshua said.

"I know!" Ruthie added.

Hannah in her six-year-old wisdom said, "That's because, Josh, you were One With The Crane. You became The Crane."

New Toys!

And it's not even Christmas yet!

My new toy is a digital camcorder. Now I can really bug the world with videos and such. It's a low-end deal, but a step up from the video clips my daughter's point and shoot camera can make. I'm actually impressed with the quality for the price we paid. I'm really surprised. The kids have been posing and making lots of funny faces and we learn how to use the camera.

We also got a new computer today. This one, that I'm currently typing on, is at least five years old...maybe older. Jeremy is standing behind me getting the new puter all set up. I'm a little intimidated by Vista's look and feel, but I'm sure I'll get the hang of it. Eventually.

Jeremy was trying to shut the computer down and accidentally put it in hibernation mode. He said, "Oops. I didn't mean to make it hibernate."
"Do you know how to 'wake it up?' " I asked.
Hannah said, "Yeah, sure. You wait till spring. 'Cuz you know, it's hibernating. Get it? Hibernating? Spring? Get it?"

Rim shot.

Merry Christmas to me!