Mooooooom!!!

I've discovered one of the best parts of having a teenager: multiple opportunities for causing embarrassment, or as I call it...payback time.

When he was 2, he threw a tantrum in the middle of the mall because he wanted to ride the Christmas train. I, with my belly full of baby, couldn't lift the 43 pound toddler from the floor because he had suddenly developed jello for bones and a 96 pound head. He also wailed like an ambulance siren racing to the scene of an accident. The mall was packed with people who gave me looks, some sympathetic "aww, he probably needs his nap" but more often than not, judgment, "She should really learn to control THAT CHILD."

"THAT CHILD" took candy from the drugstore and had it half opened and half eaten before I knew what he had done. "THAT CHILD" pitched a fit every time we were in the grocery store and caused me to leave an entire shopping cart full of groceries. "THAT CHILD" caused an elderly man to yell at him ("Quit Making such a racket. Not all of us wanna hear that, BOY") at the store. I walked out of more stores with "THAT CHILD" until, oh, four years ago because he either climbed the shelves, broke items , pitched a fit, ran through the aisles, flipped shopping carts, sang at the top of his lungs, turned innocuous items into drums, knocked people over... I couldn't take "THAT CHILD" out in public with out a scene, no matter what I did, or how I tried to prevent something from happening.

Now that my mere existence is cause for major embarrassment, I've discovered the pure joy of tormenting my fourteen year old son. Even the smallest, unexpected things cause him great grief. So, I look for every available opportunity to unsettle him: in front of his friends, his family, or when it's just the two of us. And whenever he has complained, I simply remind him about the many many times he was the cause of my public humiliation when he was smaller, and "Aren't you just so sorry now, kid?" He usually just rolls his eyes.

At about 2:45 this afternoon, I received a text message from Joshua requesting I pick him up, well, not exactly. "Chorale is canceled," he said, and I was to extrapolate from that brief communication that he now needed a ride. I could have been rotten and replied "So?" or "That's nice." But instead, I took pity, knowing how blustery cold it was today.

Pulling up to the school curb, I noticed The Boy didn't bother to wear his winter coat. Rather typical, as he is a teenager "Coats are embarrassing!" which, I suppose, gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "being cool." Josh jumped into the car, shut the door and said, "WOW it's FREEZING outside. I'm so cold!"
"Maybe if you wore your winter jacket..." I barely had the phrase out of my mouth when he groaned and said, "Not me. My face. My face was cold!"
"If you wore a scarf..."
He interrupted again, "How in the heck would a scarf help my face?!?"
"Well, you wrap it around your neck and pull it up over your mouth and your nose."
Joshua shot me a rather incredulous look, one that said, "Are you out of your mind?!?"
I laughed and said, "Oooh, I could make a scarf for you with eye holes. That would keep your face warm." He looked at me like I grew three heads so I continued, having great fun imagining such a contraption. "And then you'd look like a pirate, or a bandit, or something..."
"Mother!" He said, offended. "You're going to totally destroy me at school if you made me something like that! You might as well buy me a ski mask, as if I'd even wear that!!!!"
"Well, you're face would be warm..." I suggested.
"Don't you DARE make me a scarf with eye holes!"
I warmed up to the topic as I said, "And I could add a nose hole and a mouth hole, and then we can tie it around at the back of your head..."
Joshua sunk lower and lower in the car as we rode home. "I won't wear it. I would die. You're going to destroy me. There's no WAY you could get me to wear something like that."

I think I might have to take a trip to the dollar store to buy a few scarves, cut some holes in them, put them in boxes, and wrap them up for Christmas. Yup, it would be so worth the expression on his face when he unwrapped his 'gifts,' if only I could guarantee he remembered this conversation.