Morning Insanity

We started giving ourselves about an hour to get ready...but then it became an hour and a half, and now it is up to two hours. The alarm goes off between 5:00 and 5:30...5:30, if we need to "sleep in." Jeremy gets the kids up around 6:00. I climb out of bed after he's done in the bathroom, and start my routine. I put my make-up on then, or else it won't happen...because as soon they get up, the insanity begins.

"Hannah, why aren't you dressed still?" She is sitting in the middle of her floor in her underpants, with socks on.
"I dont know."
"Ruth! I thought you picked your outfit out last night!"
"I did."
"You look like a hooker. No, you cannot wear that skirt anymore, it's too short. And take those long boots off. It's going to be 90 degrees outside!"
"Can I wear eye shadow?"
"No."
"Can I keep this shirt on?" She asks pointing to her sequenced and be-jeweled t-shirt.
"Yes, find different bottoms."
Now Ruth is wandering around half-naked. Joshua, grouchy and half awake, pounds on the bathroom door.
"Haaaannaaaahh! Com'mon! What are you doing!?!? I gotta PEE!"
"Use the downstairs bathroom in the basement," I tell him.
"No. I hate that bathroom." The toilet flushes.
"AAAAAARGH! I yell.
"Sorry Mama, I forgot you were in the shower." Hannah says. I poke my head out of the curtain to see she's still only in her underpants.
"GET DRESSED!" I command. Hannah scurries off. Jer comes in and turns the water on. There goes the rest of my shower. He starts to comb his hair while running the water to brush his teeth.
"HAAAAAAAAANNNNNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!" Ruthie screeches. She pulls open the sliding door, runs into the bathroom with her shirt on, one boot, wild bed hair. "Hannah won't put my other boot dooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwnnn!" She whines. So much for privacy. I have a towel wrapped around my body, one wrapped around my hair, and I am standing there in front of the toilet dripping, waiting for Jeremy  to get out of the way so I can make my way to the bedroom to get dressed. Our bathroom is so small, one person has to exit the bathroom to let someone in or out of the bathroom.
"I'm gonna put your boot down on your butt if you dont get a move on," Jeremy says while shaving.
In the meantime, Joshua is dancing in the hallway holding himself. "I've gotta PEE!"
"Use the downstairs bathroom," Jer says calmly.
"But I..."
"Then come in here while I'm shaving."
Joshua doesn't like this option either, but apparently it's better than the downstairs bathroom .

Pushing Hannah, who is still wandering aimless in her panties in the narrow hallway to one side, he shoves Ruth to the other, who has now found pants, leaping over his father who is brushing his hair at the sink. Jeremy calmly shuts the bathroom sliding door as if nothing out of the ordinary. Feeling relieved, Joshua exits the bathroom, stumbles groggily across the hall and pulls his shirt and shorts on. He finds his shoes, and socks, and makes his way downstairs for breakfast. I wander back down the third floor steps from our bedroom to have my turn at the bathroom.

I start doing my hair and putting my make-up on. From downstairs I can hear the calm before the storm.
"Joshua!!! JOSH!!! JOSH!!! JOOOOOOOSSSHHHH!!!! DAAAAADDDDDDY! Joshua won't get me a bowl!!!!" Hannah whines.
"BUT Hannah's NOT even DRESSED!" Josh protests.
"Are you the father?" Jeremy asks.
"No."
"Then get your sister a bowl." Jeremy calls up to me, "Hey, I'm leaving."
"Wait!" I holler back. I come down the stairs with half my make-up on and give him a kiss good-bye.
In the background, I hear the girls fighting. "I was going to eat that! Ruthie, you can't eat the last of the cereal!" "I had it first!" "No I did" "NO I DID!"
I give the Jeremy. a look that says "Please, please don't leave me." He kisses my forehead and walks out the door. Settling the argument between the girls by giving them a lesser favorite cereal and taking away the prized one, I notice Hannah is still undressed.
"HANNAH! Where are your clothes!???"
"I dont know." She says shoving a spoonful of cereal into her mouth.
I run to the basement where I was doing laundry the day before to look for an outfit. The spoiled brat won. She manipulated me into dressing her, I think to myself. I run back upstairs, look at the clock, realize it is almost 8. The kids have to leave at 8:25. Quickly, I throw Hannah's clothes on while she eats her cereal. "MOVE IT!" I tell the kids. Hannah and Joshua finish their bowls of cereal. Ruthie is still piddling around with her spoon. "You're done," I command as I take her nearly full bowl from her. She is still sulking from my all-powerful, yet unfair, verdict in the Hannah V. Ruthie Cereal decision. Ruth begins to cry.
"But I'm hungry," she pouts.
"Then you should have thought about that and eaten your breakfast when it you had the time. Now there is no time. Brush your hair, brush your teeth. Com'mon now. We're going to be late." Fighting ensues upstairs in the bathroom.
Hannah whines like a bad broken record, "But I need to brush my teeth tooooooo. I need space toooooo. I need to brush my teeth. I need to brush my teeth. I need to brush my teeth. Joshua, I need to brush my teeth!"
"I know!" Josh replies with a mouth full of foam. "I'm getting there."
"But I need to brush my teeth."
"I KNOW!"
"But I need to brush my teeth."
"HANNAH! I KNOOOOOOOW! Stop SAYING that!"
"But I need..."
"Ok Hannah that's IS enough. You'll get your turn. Come here, let me do your hair." I look in the mirror and realize my make-up is only half-done. Crap. I almost went out the door looking that way! Bounding down the stairs like an elephant, Joshua heads for the living room. I call after him, "Pack up your book bag, get your lunch out, shoes and socks"
"I know. I know." He retorts. "I HAVE my shoes and socks on."
"Don't you dare get smart with me." After that remark, Josh nearly saw death, had it not been for the fact I was combing a rat's nest out of Hannah's hair.
"I'm sorry," he quickly repents hearing my displeasure in my voice.
"OW! OW! OW! OW!" Hannah cries over the din. Ruth begins to brush her teeth carefully polishing one tooth at a time.
"A little faster there, please Ruthie," I dictate. I hear Kung-Fu going on in my living room. "WOOOOOOSH! PKSHHHHHHHH! HAAaaaaaaaa-WA!!!"
"JOOOOSH?" I ask in a sing-song voice.
"Yes?" comes the meek and feeble voice.
"Are you all done?"
"No," he confesses.
"What time is it?" I call down the stairs. Now I'm brushing Ruth's hair and Hannah is brushing her teeth. Gotta remember to finish my make-up.
"Now I'm done! OH! And it's 8:15!" Joshua calls up. Hannah finishes brushing her teeth and I send her down the stairs.
"Then help Hannah find her shoes and socks."
"Shoes and Socks. Shoooooes and Socks," Joshua chants to himself as he wanders, running, literally, aimlessly looking into space, pretending to look for them. "Hannah, where'd you take them off?"
"I don't know." She says and then calls up to me, "Mama? Why can't I wear sandals?"
"Because of recess. You can't run and play well in sandals. And I never know when you're going to have Gym." I call downstairs as I finish Ruth's hair. "Now what time is it, Josh?"
"8:20" He hollars. Now we're all running around. I quickly slap on the rest of my make-up. And race down the stairs. Ruth looks lost, and she is also shoeless. I find the girls shoes. Joshua puts Hannah's shoes on. "Get your lunches in your backpacks, now." I command to Ruth and Hannah. Hannah produces her lunch.
"I forgot to make mine last night," Ruthie says all forlorn.
"Oh for goodness sake," I say, because it is the Rated-G version of what I want to say. "Grab your lunch box." From the cabinet I snag two pieces of bread, and faster than the eye can see, and slap some Jiffy Hannah butter on it. Ruth frantically shoves corn chips into a baggy and grabs an apple and a bottle of water. Suddenly I take notice of the table. "OH FOR CRYIN' OUT LOUD!" I whine in my disgust. Three bowls of left-over cereal millk and their left over cereal flotsam and jetsam are still sitting on the table, along with the gallon of milk, and all the boxes of cereal. Crumbs are everywhere. Soggy cereal is already beginning to do its magical ahere-to-the-table-like-super-glue trick. "Josh, quick. Put the bowls in the sink. I'll get it when I get home from work. Milk away. Cereal away. Quickly! Quickly! Ok...now, everyone have everything? Bookbags? Lunches? Homework?" Three heads nod at me. "Great, get in the car." They tumble out the door tripping over each other, shoving and fighting the whole way onto the porch. I shut the door behind me, and command again, "What does get in the car mean? GET IN THE CAR!" Hustling down the cement steps, Hannah trips and scrapes her leg.
"It's BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDINGGG!" she wails
"Joshua, Ruth, Get. in. the. car. Take her backpack. Hannah. Quick. Come with me." I open the door, run inside, she is still wailing about the blood and slap a bandaid on her knee. "Better?"
"No." She whines. Dang, not sufficient enough time to give her the royal Mommy-Boo-Boo treatment. Instead I opt for drill sargeant Mom, "Well, tough it out, we don't have time. You'll be fine." I feel like a heel. Picking Hannah up, I kiss her forehead to make up for my insensitivity to her obvious trauma and pain. I carry her down to the car which Josh and Ruth are STILL not in. They are looking at ants on the sidewalk. No words can express the stress I am now feeling, as the time is now well past 8:25 and the threat of missing the late bell is looming. The kids pile into the van. I tear off while they start buckling their belts. Having dropped off the older kids at the Elementary center, I make my way through the insane traffic to the Primary Center, a mere two blocks away. People and cars are everywhere because there is a very loose system for kid-drop off. And what exists, is often not followed by the many crazy parents out there. Finding a spot to pull in, I walk Hannah across the street, feeling a bit like Frogger, to her school. I kiss her good-bye, and risk my life to cross the street again to get back to my car. Putting my radio on, I head off to work. About half way there, I hear my phone and let it go to voice mail. Sigh. Someone forgot their lunch or homework. I think to myself.

And that is pretty much what every morning in our home looks like.