So I was in the Army in language school at the time, and for whatever reason at this particular time, we had a 4 day weekend (yes, even in training we got federal holidays off).
So, being a lazy 18 year old male, I didn't feel like leaving my room for the 2 minute walk to the chow hall, so I ate what was available in my room...Cracklin' Oat Bran.
Day 1: Breakfast, lunch and dinner: Cracklin' Oat Bran
Day 2: Breakfast, lunch and dinner: Cracklin' Oat Bran
Day 3: Breakfast, lunch and dinner: Cracklin Oat Bran
Now I don't know if you fine folks know what happens when bowels are inundated with a large, steady stream of fiber, but in my particular case, they started generating a gargantuan stream of non-stop gas of the most foul sort.
I started farting, and farting, and farting so much until my anus literally became sore, each fart more painful than the last. Each puff of air from the derriere felt as though I sat on a cactus.
Not only was it painful, but it STUNK to high heaven.
To this day, I pity my roommate at the time, who got actually VERY angry with me for keeping our room in a perpetual green cloud for the whole weekend.
Even with windows open and fans a-blowin the stench lingered on for hours.
The folks who happened to walk by our room were also treated to a fine olfactory treat.
To this day, I have not eaten a single bite of Cracklin' Oat Bran.
Ah, Red Beans and Rice...the source of early marital conflict.
As you know we were married very young, so I had not matured the great state that I am in now. And also having dated long distance for a few years, the Mrs. and I had not spent too much time together.
We had made Red beans and Rice for dinner that night, and as any seasoned veteran of the bean wars knows, beans hunker down in the trenches and wage chemical warfare upon unsuspecting colons.
As the meal was digesting, I felt the all too familiar rumble of the battle being fought in my gut, and with sly pleasure knew the outcome would be of the most pungent sort.
This early married couple crawled into bed at a reasonable hour, and that was precisely the moment my innards could no longer contain the aftermath of the skirmish within my belly.
I let a huge one rip.
When all males produce something so lovely and noteworthy, they want to share it , with pride, with the ones they love the most.
So I pulled the covers over her head. And held them tight.
Never has a man before so fully experienced the wrath and scorn of a lady so fair. And that is the story of how I learned to never, ever, EVER do that again.
Even if it was hilarious.
