It doesn't matter what episode we're on, amazingly, I get sucked in. If nothing else, it gives us good girl bonding time, and I get to set her future expectations waaaay low. Sure, I have a quite a while yet before Ruth will become a bridezilla, but it doesn't hurt to start brainwashing her now.
"Don't think we'll be buying you a $12,000 dress," Jeremy told her as he passed through the living room one night while she and I were watching an episode.
"Yeah, I already told her that," I said, my eyes glazed over as we watched the next catastrophe cross the screen.
"So what kind of dress can I buy?" Ruth asked, looking up at him.
"Not a $12,000 one," he said. And he walked up the stairs without looking backward once.
Tonight on the ride to Joshua's drum lesson, Ruth asked Hannah, "So, when I go to buy my wedding dress, someday in the future..."
"The far future," I said.
"Yes, Mama, The Faaaar Future," she said. I didn't even know you could capitalize the spoken word, but apparently Ruth knows how. "As I was saying before I was interrupted, will you come with me?"
Hannah chirped "Of course!" as if it was a no-brainer. "And I'll give you loooootttssss of feedback." An ornery expression crossed her face as she rubbed her hands together in evil glee.
"I dunno, Ruth," I said, catching Hannah's expression in my rear-view mirror. "You won't get a lot of good feedback from Hannah. It won't be negative, but I can assure you it might not be positive either. I'm pretty sure you'll get some silly feedback." Hannah giggled, partly because I used her 'word of the day,' and partly because I had read her ornery little mind. Ruthie held her breath while she considered her sister for a moment, so I continued, "But I will tell you this, don't even bother dragging your brother along dress shopping to get the 'male perspective.'" I implied in so many words that he wouldn't be of much help.
Joshua, who was zoned out in the front seat throughout this whole conversation, suddenly tuned in. "Hey! Why wouldn't you want to take me?"
"Dress shopping? Wedding dress shopping?" I asked, incredulous. "Twenty seconds in you'd be fidgeting and saying 'I'm bored. They're all white. What does it matter? Just pick one, Ruth.' And then your little sister will be so upset with you."
"Yeah, well. That's true. But wait, I do have some opinion. You know. I don't like it when those dresses have...what's that called...you know, that frill thing. You know. It's long and sleek and then the frill?" He started gesturing in vain, moving his hands in a rounded motion near his mid-section, as if that was going to help us know what he was talking about. "It flares out, or balloons, or bubbles or something."
"Ruffles?" Ruthie asked.
"Lace?" Hannah guessed.
"What is the frill?" I asked.
"That thing. That thing that goes here. It goes here." He gestured again at his middle. "It's on all dresses. Only sometimes it's lower. Only I like it when it's here." he pointed at his middle again.
"You mean the Trumpet style or the Mermaid?" Ruth said reading her brother's mind.
"The WHAT?!" he said, twisting in his seat to look at her, his expression filled with amazement. "How do you KNOW these things?" he asked. It's a magical mystical power to Josh. He frequently alternates between seeing us females as nonsensical creatures who care too much about "silly" "pointless" "female" details, and being in awe that we have knowledge beyond his ken.
"The Trumpet or the Mermaid style dress. When the dress is sleek all the way down and then the skirt flares out below the butt," Ruth explained.
"EXACTLY." Joshua pointed at Ruth. "Exactly." He said with even more passionate emphasis. "I don't like those kind of dresses when the frill is below the butt."
"Frill?" I started to laugh. Ruth and Hannah joined in.
"He calls it a frill," Ruth leaned over and whispered to Hannah. Hannah nodded and looked smug in all her female wisdom.
A very put-out Joshua said, "Well, I don't know what it's called!" We were obviously ganging up on him, and he was obviously unhappy about being left out of some secret knowledge that we all seemed to share.
After a good laugh, I turned to him and said, "It's OK, Josh. We just might worry about you if you knew all about dresses, especially wedding dresses."
"Whatever," He said, crossing his arms across his chest. He turned to stare out the window. He was obviously done with the likes of us giggling females.
"And that," I said to Ruth, "Is why you don't take some men dress shopping with you."
