I have to wonder...

...what the elementary school thinks about us, as parents.

If you're a long-time follower of my family's antics, you'll recall a few years ago, I believe it was September 25, 2008, Joshua accidentally took a pot roast to school.

Today, I received another phone call from the assistant principal relating another food incident with yet another one of my children. I will preface this story by saying, I am sick. And when I'm sick, I just maybe, quite possibly, might not be paying as close attention to what my kids are doing as I probably should. So while I was laying on the couch, wishing for death, or at least, wishing I hadn't eaten anything that day, Hannah was happily packing her lunch for school the next day.

I stayed home again today, subsisting on a diet of toast and ginger ale, or else I might have missed the phone call. The phone rang, and I reached from the couch to grab it off the cedar chest that doubles as a mini-coffee table. Hmm, I thought as I read the school's number on the caller-ID. Could this be the nurse? How am I going to go get one of my kids? I'm still in my PJ's and I haven't even done but the most basic of grooming today. Tentatively, I answered the phone. "Hello?"
"Hi Mrs -----?"
"Speaking," I said.
"Well, this is going to be a strange phone call. Oh, how do I say this, where to start," the assistant principal said. "Hannah brought a whole head of lettuce into school for lunch and a cup of apple sauce. She was eating it like an apple. I told her this was NOT how we eat lettuce. She said, 'But it's fun!' So I took the lettuce back to the kitchen, cored it, wash it and portioned it out for her. I asked her if she wanted some salad dressing, but she just wanted it plain." She paused and chuckled.
"I am sooo sorry," I said. "I haven't been feeling well, and not as attentive as I should be," I added lamely in attempt to excuse my poor mothering skills.
"It's alright," she said. "I gave her some saltines too, because we all know lettuce and applesauce don't really hold the belly. And she'll probably be really hungry when she gets home from school. Oh and I put the rest of it in a to-go container to bring home. You'll want to stick it into the fridge right away. Not sure how long it will keep since it's been in her lunch bag all day."
"Well, I really appreciate it, thanks so much. I'm really embarrassed. First my oldest child brings a pot roast to school, and now this."
"Oh, that's right! You're the pot roast mom." She laughed.
Great, I thought. I'm the pot roast mom.
"Well, you should see what some of these kids bring for lunch," she said. "This wasn't too bad. Hope you feel better soon."
I thanked her again, hung up and awaited my munchkin to return from school so I could confront her.

As she walked in the door a few hours later, I said, "Yo, Child. Where's my lettuce?"
"What?"
"Where's my lettuce?"
"Oh, I have it in here."
"Don't ever take a whole head of lettuce to school again," I said as I took the to-go container out of her little hands. She smiled impishly and told me how her principal fixed the lettuce.
I decided to let it go with a warning. She is awful cute after all.

He missed the opportunity of the century.

The phone rang and jarred me out of a very deep sleep. I looked over at the clock, saw it registered 7:15, and noticed that the bedside lamp was on. "@#%^!" I said, "I'M LATE!!!!!!!!!!" "Ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod" I began to chant as I flew down the steps from my bedroom in the attic. "I cannot believe I'm LATE!" I passed children wandering around in pajamas in the hall. "Ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod." I flew down the next flight of steps and through the living room where Jeremy was passed out on the couch. I was frantically running through the house, making way to the basement where I had work clothes, freshly washed, hanging on our indoor line. Dodging kitchen chairs, and small persons who were now following me wearing confused expressions, I babbled, "Ohmygodohmygodohmygod, this is it. I'm done. I'm fired. Ohmygod. I can't be late! I knew about this yesterday. The school. I gotta call the school. Ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod!"

On my way back through the living room, Jeremy said, "What are you late for?"

"The School! For Work! For School Work. No, wait. I'm working today at the SCHOOL!" I said frantically, as I whipped back through the living room holding a shirt I had just pulled off from the clothesline in the basement. My mind was working double-time. I had pretty much figured out how to get dressed and to work in under ten minutes...if I forwent a lot of my beauty regimen. Make-up, ok, I can apply that in the school bathroom. Granted, it'll be weird, but I could do it. Pony-tail. Pony tails are fast and easy. Clothes, in my hand, check. Lunch? I guess I'll be hungry...good thing there's an emergency granola bar in my bag...

But thankfully, he stopped me before I made it up too many steps.
"MEL! What are you talking about? You're working?"
I couldn't figure out why he wasn't understanding me. Frustrated with his confusion and lack of movement off the couch, I stopped, came back down three steps and turned towards his prostrate personage on the couch. Enunciating clearly, I said, "Work. I work today. I told you last night, I was filling in another day at the school."
"what?" he said trying to make sense of my conversation.

I blew out a huge breath and tried to keep my cool. "You know. The. School. Where I substitute now. They asked me to work again today." Then I added, "IheardthephonebutitslateImustvefallenbacktosleepandnowIhavetogetdressed." I paused and took another breath,"And why isn't my father here yet? Did you decide to wait and take the girls to school? OhmygodI'msolate!"

"OOOhhhh," Jeremy said, "You think it's morning. Relax. Mel! Relax. It's still today, the evening, after dinner. Remember, you wanted to take a nap?"
My bleary brain tried to register the words as I took in his prone position. He probably wouldn't be laying down if he had to go to work, my poor beleaguered brain tried to tell me. The girls wandered downstairs to see their half-sane mother and shook their heads in pity.

"Mama, we were really wondering about you. I thought you had to work tonight," Hannah said. "Why were you running around in your underwear?"
oh God. I tried to cover myself with my clean shirt, still in my hand as I took in my surroundings and forced my brain to register the present. Thankfully, Joshua was at play practice, or this would have been way more embarrassing.
"Yeah," Ruth added. "I couldn't figure out what in the heck you were doing?"
"I swear," I said, "I heard the phone, and it just made me freak out. I would have sworn to you it was morning. I saw children running around in pj's. It made sense. It felt like I was asleep forever. I told you I haven't been sleeping well for fear of missing the morning phone call."
Jeremy said something, muffled by his face buried in the couch pillow. He pulled the blanket further up over his eyes.
"You missed the perfect opportunity," I continued. "You should have let me get all the way dressed, and out the door. Yup. That would have been funny." I turned to walk back up the stairs.
He flipped the blanket back out, turned his head and looked out of me with one eye. "You wouldn't have laughed," he pointed out.
"Nope. But I also couldn't have blamed you either."